I just wanted to put some words down. I'm not really in the mental to set up all the html and directory maniupulation to make this look all structured. One day, cause thats usually really fun. I just wanted to admit that I can't really do it at this moment. Like, I can...I just want to admit I'm terrified. I'm sick of being terrified and fighting every day. I got a plate of sinking ship all over me. I'm not having a time. It's in a bad way.

I made this life of mine. My actions dictated my fate, and I made some not great actions then. I'm struggling with compassion. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how I can afford food for the next week and a half. I'm so sick of being like, it's okay! I've spent so many months without much food! It's not like that though. Diet diversity isn't just important for health...It's a need. I am gonna drop in health majorly if I don't get some extra funding. And I'm too dang scared to ask my friends or family for help. I feel so stupid, so sickened, that I can't lower my ego, humble my pride, get on my dang knees n beg. I don't even care if I seem pathetic, I don't really feel like I have pride left, it's more like, I'm too dang scared to fight so hard to do it, to just get a no. I don't wanna drag anybody to my level. I don't feel like I'm worthy of food, maybe? I don't know.

I don't know. This is how it is. I get my insurance on August 1st, and I need to save all this energy for calling them and finding therapy and doctors. I don't have the energy to beg. It's so disgusting feeling. I won't abandon myself or nothing....I struggle with self compassion, sure...But I want to see me win before I die. I think that's somewhat natural.............

stick butterfly and heart emojis here

7/31 8:12PM Addendum. Hey, I think some more awful stuff has happened too, but on the bright side..Since writing this, I started thinking about what I could do. It feels silly, but I feel a lot more accomplished. I worked my butt n gourd off all day today and yesterday. I added the StarCraft tab to my site. I started grinding the ladder like it was 2015. I cleaned the room, and spent more time with my partner and mother. My mom has been sharing some interesting things with me recently. She seems to be going through a lot too, but seems to actually have her head on and is managing. I feel inspired. I hope I do this to my mom and my partner too. My partner and I also cleaned our room fan, and the hallway door in our apartment. I saw my neighbor and her dog, and I didn't panic.

After all of that, I cleaned my entire laptop out. Got rid of the old files. I lost my Fire Emblem Path of Radiance save, but in a lot of ways I usually tend to lose more things when I do huge overhauls. And more on huge overhauls, I redid the entire website today. I don't know enough CSS to do more of what I want there, but I am super thrilled with how this is turning out. I'm finding cooler music too. It feels like writing this supercharged my life, even though it feels so lame and maybe even a touch dangerous to keep this page up. I don't know.

I'm scared. It seems like my family on my moms side is going through another very hard time. I don't know anything about it, and I only can wish peace and safeties to them. It feels like not enough, and yet I do not know most of them at all. My mom showed me pictures of them, and I saw photos of my uncles for the first time. They don't look like me or my mom, is how I felt. I bet if I knew them, I could see their face in my mom and I with ease. It's such a troubling and depressing feeling.

I don't know if I'm doing enough. I feel like I push and fight every day. I managed to find a new level up. I have gone super sayain 3 in life. Super saiyan 3 was a terrible move by Gokuu and he decided overall to not do that anymore, and for the most part that was how he went forward there. I love that series, yeah..........I'm not gonna be able to keep this pace up. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading.