Upajjhatthana Sutta AN 5:57 - I first read this when I was 11. It lived on my steam profile. I recited it and meditated on it. It kept me alive and sane, it stopped me from killing myself. Buddhism came into my life, but it didn't feel like I became a Buddhist. To other people, to my mom, I as now a Buddhist. To me, it felt more vague than that. Like the vagueness that came into my life as I slowly accumulated Taoist perspectives, and as animism became more of a normal for me. All I know is I see life uniquely, and all people do. I just happen to fit best in a box of something like, Buddhist/Taoist/Folk belief. The reason I bring up this sutra is simply of the matter that I decicded to make Kamma my username. "I am the owner of actions [kamma], heir to actions, born of actions, related through actions, and have actions as my arbitrator. Whatever I do, for good or for evil, to that will I fall heir". Kamma also means colm in swedish!

Everything I do comes back to me. How it comes back is a mystery, or something on average ideal left to mystery. I'll tell you, it's a mystery to me how my life got this way. However the facts, the reality of it all is that my actions had consquences. The sutra kept me sane, by always stabilizing me and reminding me of how life tends to function. Choosing to make a username off of a pali word feels weird. It's one of the first things I truly did for myself. I've been pushed around, chased and bullied out of my own sense of self, for probably my life up to this point. Usernames were picked off of social viability, given to me, or prioritizing other peoples opinions. I don't want to prioritze that.

I don't know what comes next. I made this change about a week ago. I feel much more weightless. My life is still unpleasant in many ways, but for once I am prioritizing myself. My life will start to look like a life I chose to live, and a life I want to live.