I don't know what I'm doing entirely. Recently, I have just been coming to terms with so much. Reconnecting with my past, doing soul recovery kinds of things, reestablishing and understanding my gender identity. Trying my best to understand how my intersex body and gender identity work together with my dang CPTSD mind. There's a whole heck of a lot of pain in trying to find euphoria and self acceptance when I've gotten harassed and attacked so much for all 3 of those. They all affect eachother too. Adding in my spirituality and religious experiences, and trying to figure out how they live on top of my sexuality and it's just like - Woah!!! I don't even know if I like most of my hobbies anymore!
I grew up playing video games so extensively. I would sit on my mom's lap and play PS1 games with her, before I could really walk. Her hands were super sickly and painful, and she couldn't really do much to take care of me. But the connection with her was there. I played a Land Before Time game[lbt...lettuce bacon tomatoes ?!....lbt game] there the most. I ended up finding it again, purchasing it, speedrunning it both on emulator and console. I didn't really understand it was about my connection with her. She also has serious PTSD issues, and so we haven't always had the best relationship. I think video games symbolize a strong connection with her.
My mom put a strong trust in me, letting me play M rated games at a young age. I wanted to play them, and I asked for permission - I didn't like disobeying my mom. Overall, her stance was like, you know they aren't real, right? Like, going and killing people is way wrong and totally suspcious behavior. I would respond like, oh yea ofc, I totally know about that stuff. I'm not exactly sure how much I did, but I didn't want to hurt people. I definitely never wanted to murder. Still don't, feel good about that, thanks GTA.
My only friend's parents didn't let him play M rated games. I was allowed to play them, so I had some weird freedom super power. One single lady gave me permission to do what I want, and I took a long time to understand how that freedom allowed me to grow so much. My mom couldn't be there emotionally or physically much, but she didn't police my behavior. I had the space to figure a lot of stuff out by myself. Probably an extreme amount, yeah. My point on all of this was more along the lines of like......Video games were that freedom, that maternal experience, maybe a paternal one? It was an abundance thing - if we had new enough consoles and games, as in second newest gen, if we could buy some new games, I felt like we had something atleast?? It gave me security.
So now it's just like, definitely I feel awful when games are not accessable. It was a core part of my roots. I can't go very far from that stuff without feelin weird. What do I even like about them though? Honestly, I don't like violent video games much. I struggle to balance them with my spiritual beliefs, I don't find enjoyment in violence, I don't want to kill other people in games much, and the toxic gamer archetype can frequently lead to me feeling unincluded immediately. Despite all of that, I still find a ton of satisfaction from advancing my movement skills in Quake or Team Fortress 2. I loved learning basic bunny hopping in TFC, I love rocket jumping and grenade jumping, I love strafe and circle jumping. I love market gardener crits, and I love the ability to airshot or midair headshot people doin dang silly jumps across the map. The momentum, the speed, and the sudden stops. It's a very cathartic experience that really rewards the constant need to grow and improve.
Why do they all feel so awful? I spent over 5000 hours on TF2. I feel like the old person in the room, but I'm only 27. I feel like the feral children want me dead and gone, and sometimes it seems that's not even a distortion!! I'm not tremendously satisfied with getting killstreaks anymore, so I can't give it my all anymore. I've been grieving this stuff for a while, yeah.
I think video games were pretty much the families way of loving me. My mom would hustle money up however. My wealthier family would buy me games cause it was a surefire gift - I always had atleast one new game I wanted. It calmed me when I was seemingly never okay. I didn't feel good from social interaction, and most physical interaction. I didn't feel good near my family ever really. But they gave me stuff, like givin a lil feral kitten snacks. I felt like a good feral kitten with those snacks.
My time as a feral kitten is up. I'm more of a feral cat, but kind of just a human adult in a dark place, and the least dark place ever seen from these eyes. I want to play video games with my best friend, but I'm scared and struggling to trust myself or anybody these days. I am playing some single player gaems I always wanted to get to, but I miss the companionship. Also, it doesn't feel like my family is around anymore when I play games. Maybe I pushed them all away. I don't feel that way? Or think that way.. I just don't want to assume anything about people I know nothing about. I feel really dang alone, and I am doing my absolute best to improve my situation. I don't feel terrible about that, just really dang sad.
I want to open up TF2 right now. I honestly get really mad recently when somebody way less experienced than me just kinda tickles me to death. It always goes like this: I walk in, all old and crotchety. I'm scared of somebody saying something mean or racist. I feel unincluded and lame. I shoot some awesome shots, I feel pretty good about myself. Thinking about the old days, excited for the new days. Then like, randomly the drive drops. People start slapping me to death. I can't hit headshots, my basic skills drop and drip out of my vessel. I fall into a puddleform with no bucket. My logic leaves me, and my heart feels vulnerable. I get scared and feel worthless. Maybe the extensive amount of bullying I faced in this enviremont gets to me to much. Maybe it's just all flashbacks and stuff. But nothing goes properly. Folks start getting mean. The color fades, my vision blurs. I feel like I've never touched a video game. I close it, and I feel worse.
I keep suspecting that the circle of bullies and abusers I kept running into have for the long term ruined my relationship with video games. That means my relationship with my family, and rest-relaxation. I suppose that's the only real reason. It's not something I feel I would grow out of. I feel really driven to approach my modern adult problems after playing certain games. Even just some dang Banjo&Kazooie or something pops me right back into ready for live ville. The games aren't whats been lost. I think I lost to e-bullying though. I guess that's not a rare concept in this modern era.
I think it's okay if I never compete in video games again. I have zero interest in experiencing verbal abuse anymore. I had a fancy Starcraft 2 page on this website, and I ended up archiving it. I started experiencing a lot of trash talk and miserating people. Folks trying to drag me down, acting like the want me dead and all. I'm just not there anymore. Nobody deserves that, that kind of behavior really doesn't belong in this world. The age old advices of thicken up, or 'just mute them', that stuff is so archaic at this point. Remnants of a dying toxic culture, as we move into a more loving lifestyle as humans.
I want to thank my mom for all this stuff. I can't cry in front of her, it bothers both of us. I'll admit I'm tearing up a little bit here though. I feel better having wroten all this, though I didn't expect such a strangle ramble direction.