Winter is approaching. I feel overburdened and overwhelemd. I feel severed from my family and community. I have been blogging into the void on a few websites on and off for a couple years.
The severity of what I have been through recently is extreme. I sometimes wonder how much longer I will do this alone. It's hard to reach out. This isn't easy, and when I have tried many times in the past, I always got the door shut in my face. I don't feel encouraged to talk about it. More than anything, it's felt like the dialogue is to take my truth and keep it locked away.
That's totally wrong. Maybe the more serious issue is how complacent and okay I have been with the rampant abuse from so many folks. I want to be more honest and trusting. It's hard to be both at the same time!! Being honest has always lead to people diminmishing my truths, the weird toxic 'it can't be that bad' dialogue. Being too direct about it scares people. Not being direct enough get's you bullied. I don't know how to do this. I just don't want to turn people away or push helpful people away.
There's too many people calling me. I'm getting swarmed with debt collectors, doctors and other people that desire to aide me. I wonder so much, is this really worth it? I was so much happier without a phone number. But a nice doctor put me on gabapentin, and my state insurance allows me to not need to pay for it. Gabapentin makes it so I stop dropping everything. I can also write and draw better, and aim in video games better!! Washing dishes isn't as agonizing, showering is easier, I don't drop my tooth brush every time I brush my teeth. It's' so nice...
Debt collector harassment, 30 more dollars a month phone bill vs no doctor support, no future with a therapist, no ability to reconnect with family. AAAA!!
I can't handle discord. Everybody has a discord it seems. Discord stresses me out. I've met so many abusive and toxic people, and one of my stalkers also used it to constantly contact me. I just want to live without ever using it again. It makes me so miserable. I want to have easier contact with the few friends I have, and I feel so burdensome forcing them on 'less convenient' messaging formats....and I know we'd probably talk more if I had a discord. I'd also feel so much less safe. Discord is dangerous to me.
My traumas prevent me from being truly alive. I have a very good book reccomendation for anybody in a place like me. "CPTSD - from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. I read this every day. I purchased it, but originally I grabbed it online. I don't like reading books on digital media, so after realizing how awesome and helpful it was, of course I bought a hardcover copy. They sent me a freshly printed copy. It smells nice.
I have gigantic hope and faith in this future of ours on this earth. I love this planet, and I love my country(USA <3). I hope we can attain a utopia in time. I think in so many ways, the times I take to blog and put these words out into the internet....It's doing my part to share something. Maybe somebody will need this. I hope these words aren't meaningless. I don't think they are. I don't feel they are.